“Surprise!” the cheery voice announced after I answered the phone. This was years ago and the caller was the mother of one of my son’s friends. I wondered what surprise she had in mind. I considered the possibilities. Maybe she bought too many cheesecakes at Costco and wanted to give me one. Perhaps she has a beach house and wants to let me have it for a week.
She continued, “I’ll drive the boys to school tomorrow, and then…(surprise)…I will take you out for breakfast.”
I had things to do, tasks to complete, goals to accomplish, mountains to climb. Even if the mountain happened to be laundry. I had plans for the next day. Yet, the mother seemed so excited about her decision and her hope I would be overjoyed with her plan.
I didn’t know her well. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or disappoint her.
I said, “That’s nice of you.”
The next morning, the mother and I sat opposite each other in a booth at a local café. We talked about our mutual connection, our sons. Soon the conversation lagged. The hash browns had the taste of overcooked drywall. I wasn’t in my usual chatty get-to-know-you mood. I wanted breakfast to be over.
Sometime later, a counselor assisted me in addressing my anxiety concerns. I mentioned the unwanted breakfast and my unhappiness with accepting the surprise.
“Wouldn’t it have been kinder to have told her ‘no’ in the beginning when she first extended the surprise?” the counselor said. “Instead, she had breakfast with a grumpy person.”
Suddenly, I had insight. Could I have said no without seeming rude or selfish? Could I have given myself a no-guilt pass by saying no?
Soon after this new revelation, a friend asked me to watch her toddler daughter while she and her husband went out. I said, “No, I’m sorry. I can’t.” After a pause, she said to me, “I’m happy you can say ‘no’ to me.”
I was happy too.
I now set boundaries so that I can live a balanced life free of burnout and stress. I say ‘no’ with kindness and honesty.
This has boosted my mental health by giving me peace and strengthened relationships.
Saying yes to please others is saying no to yourself. And, in my case, it also gave me the taste of shredded drywall disguised as hash browns.